If You Run Like Jonah, You’re Bound To Find a Whale

2013-12-31

I went through two years of training to become a church planter overseas. It was a time of spiritual renewal, much learning, and challenge. I even met my wife during this time.

After this time, we began what was called partnership development, which is commonly called deputation in other circles. This is where we raise prayer and financial support for our ministry. It was during this time, when my true motivations were revealed, and how I (notice I, not we) abandoned my plans for missions and ministry altogether.

First, I exhausted all of my contacts to raise support within the first month. I was not expecting to be treated the way I was by pastors and Christians. I also was frequently reminded by pastors about the state of the economy (it was early 2009). And I did not even mention finances... I was just asking to share about our ministry. Regardless of what sort of response I received, I never knew that this was what I was going to experience. I lacked the faith and was “offended” at the responses I received from church representatives.

Second, I was hearing about how everyone I had grown up with was successful in their careers. They were doctors, lawyers, accountants, and, yes, software developers. And here I was: poor, and always relying on God to supply my needs and not a regular company that paid wages. Go figure, relying on God for your needs. I did not have the faith that God could provide my needs.

Third, we were soon to have a baby. Could I really take this baby into the middle of a malaria-infested jungle on the other side of the world? I did not trust God with our lives.

Fourth, I had lost the love for people. I was no longer God’s ambassador to bring the Gospel to lost people. I no longer remembered that people needed to hear about the love of God in Jesus Christ. I no longer cared about the people that needed a Bible translation in their language. My whole objective was the pretense of holiness, service, and sacrifice, when there was nothing holy, service-oriented or sacrificial about anything in my life. I was seeking a pedestal to stand on, and glory to bask in. When I received neither, I began rethinking the whole thing.

So in short, Christ was not sufficient in my life, when he needed to be sufficient. It was not the love of Christ toward humanity that compelled me to service, when his love should have compelled me to his service. There was no time to love God or people when I was too busy serving myself.

So this is something to learn from: what are your motives for living? Why do you do what you do?

Now while I unknowingly harbored these evil motives during this time, I do not believe that it always was this way. I really had a passion for the lost, and a desire to serve God. There still is a burning within me that wants to see people saved and God glorified to the ends of the earth. There were just things that needed to be pruned from life.

Having had my mind set on ministry for so long, I feel kind of lost now. I am like a man in an unknown forest in the dark, and I lost my light and my compass. But I am confident that God has used these experiences to sharpen my focus for him, and to grow me again out of the ash and ruins of the past.

Next: After Missions