After Missions

2013-12-31

When leaving the prospect of missions, I faced the plain reality that I had no marketability to get any sort of job that would support a family. I began studying computer science, hoping to land a job, and live a somewhat comfortable life in the ensuing years. My plans were to be a pew-sitter in church for the rest of my days, but that would be the limit to my spirituality as I dreamed of mammon and filthy lucre.

In fact, now that I had no ministry prospect, I actually could take a step back and examine my faith. There was even a period where I considered atheism as a possible solution. But that was short-lived. I no longer had any doctrinal statement I had to conform to... maybe I would examine my beliefs afresh?

That examination turned out to be fruitful. I reaffirmed most of what I believed, and gained a clearer understanding of others things. I was reading my Bible and had great joy in reading, and writing about what I was learning.

I had become legalistic in many ways, and began secretly judging people when they did not conform to some standard. This is very much what I had done previously with missions; I was looking for a way to place myself on a pedestal above others. The more self-imposed rules I could measure up to, the more spiritual I felt. In some ways I had gone full circle.

But after wrestling with all of the above, I found no contentment in legalism, atheism, pew-sitting, mammon, filthy lucre, and business-as-usual Christianity. I have rediscovered that there is contentment in the sufficiency of Christ. His death, burial, and resurrection makes me complete, and God has delivered me from eternal damnation. There is much joy in going back to the basics of Jesus Christ.

The burning desire to serve him is still there. Lord, open the door to the next chapter of my life.