The Lazy Perfectionist

2005-08-13

Some time ago I recounted in a journal entry about fears of being picked on, embarrassed, or humiliated. When I speak, the words must be right, when I do something, then it must by done without flaw. Because of such fears, which I believe are not unique to me, most of my life I believe I did not reach the potential according to how God has equipped me. In high school, a teacher once called me a perfectionist. I was very puzzled by this. I rarely did my homework, I was constantly lost in class, and I hardly cared about the material she was teaching. If anything I was lazy and ignorant.

Now this journal entry I spoke of, where I discussed certain fears, was written many years since high school and I was still asking myself the same question. How could I be a perfectionist? This teacher was not the only one who has said this about me. Four days short of fourteen months after the journal entry, from the words of a man sharing the testimony of his faith, I received an answer. He said most of his life he was an all-or-nothing perfectionist. He either gives something everything he’s got, or does not do it at all, and it was always easier to do nothing. This is not necessarily laziness, though sometimes it is. Being a perfectionist, it must be done 100% correctly and elicit no correction from anyone. This is not laziness; it is fear. Fear of rejection, fear of being found imperfect, fear of failure, and the fears I spoke of above: being picked on, embarrassed, or humiliated. It would also be contrary to those “prophetic statements” I shared in the reflection entitled “A Day in the Sun” that made me feel I would be successful and in the spotlight someday.

The painstaking reality of the Scriptures is that people fall short (Romans 3:23). I simply can’t be perfect and God calls me to Himself through Jesus Christ to be reconciled with Himself. Now that I have been reconciled with God through His active effort on the Cross to forgive me, I am called to turn from my false universe of beliefs I have created for myself. I am not perfect, but I was created for good works (Ephesians 2:8-10). It is interesting that God not only set a standard to show us our sinfulness (such as in Deuteronomy 18:13), but He wants us to be perfect, though we cannot do it on our own. Through failure and correction, God can show us where we fall short and move us on toward perfection, which we will achieve when we enter His glory. Check out what Solomon says to his son Rehoboam in Proverbs 3:11-12:

My son, despise not the chastening of the LORD; neither be weary of his correction: For whom the LORD loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth.

There is a tension here between two extremes: Allow God to do His work in me and through me, or regress to my false worldview where correction is bad and failure is despair. Either way I will not be perfect, yet if I choose the former way, God can present His perfect desires through an imperfect person. And yes, the world can be changed by God’s using such a person.