Domestic Violence from a Biblical Perspective

2003-02-06

Introduction

When asked to respond to the question, “Can God use domestic violence to develop character?” I knew I had a difficult task ahead of me, especially since I had never suffered any abuse in any form. This is a thorny question to answer, because I believe there is a ‘yes’ component to this question, but this character development definitely does not come without a permanently scarring price. Thinking through what the Bible says about people who have been hurt in a psychologically extreme way might give us some input, and looking at modern testimonies would also be quite pertinent to the situation in our 21st century culture.

Amnon and Tamar

The most apparent story of domestic violence in the Bible is the story of Amnon and Tamar in 2 Samuel 13. Amnon had a friend Jonadab that helped him with a scandal to rape his half-sister Tamar. Amnon followed through with the scheme by feigning illness, and when he had his sister brought to him, he raped her. Then his love for her turned into hate, and he threw her out of the house. Tamar then went to her brother Absalom. The last we hear about her is that she “remained desolate in her brother Absalom’s house” (2 Samuel 13:20). She obviously was very ashamed and extremely hurt (2 Samuel 13:13, 19). There is no picture of her recovering, or that she moved on with her life, but that she remained desolate and broken. Though Amnon broke a law that was punishable by death according to Jewish custom (Leviticus 18:9, 29), David, Tamar’s father, did nothing other than become angry (2 Samuel 13:21). Even Absalom, who stood up for his sister against Amnon and killed him, only used his revenge, exile, and forgiveness for political gain against his father the king. This is the situation of women in the ancient Near East, even under King David.

Women in the modern world are in the same circumstances, though there may have been considerable advancement in respect for women since antiquity. Who did Tamar have to help her? Her brother helped her in a way, but his murdering and plot against his father became the focus of his life, not love for his sister. Her father David, considered a man after God’s own heart (1 Samuel 13:14), did nothing for her either. So Tamar therefore disappears from biblical history as a woman who is utterly destroyed. What Tamar experienced, as far as we know, only happened once. There were no former occurrences of such; from what we know she was a virgin (2 Samuel 13:2). One event was enough to destroy her. Her special position as one of David’s virgin daughters, signified by her many-colored robe, was gone (2 Samuel 13:18-19).

Effects of Domestic Violence

So what about women that have faced years of violence, either sexually, physically, emotionally, or any combination of these? The Bible tells us that it is enough to destroy a person, and this is what a myriad of modern testimonies say. Like Tamar, many women feel ashamed, and think that even they are the sinner, such as the story of Mary in Miles’ book (Miles 129-130). She thought as if it were her duty to submit to his violent actions and then ‘forgive’ him as many times as the violence occurred. In the case Naussbaum v. Steinberg, the wife believed that her husband had ‘powers’ and would not leave him despite his violent tendencies. While keeping these things in mind, it is disheartening, disturbing, and infuriating that 28% of women in America are exposed to things like this in their marriage. They are angry or confused, sometimes thinking of their abuse as a form of love, and often there is a case of mind control, like “imposing dominance, isolation, fear arousal, guilt induction, enforced loyalty, promotion of powerlessness, pathological jealousy, and secrecy due to shame and bewilderment” (Irwin and Simons 401).

God, in His omniscient power, could use this to build character. We never find out what happens to Tamar, but we surely find out what happens to people in the Bible who have been broken and violated, often feeling as if they have been completely destroyed by God. Jeremiah, who saw his land and people destroyed, wrote Lamentations from his heart, feeling personally attacked by God (cf. Lamentations 3), but realizes that God’s faithfulness is great (Lamentations 3:23). Jeremiah had no choice but to trust in God. Paul writes in Hebrews 12:1-2 that we are to lay aside every weight and sin that ensnares us (the weight being the burdens and sorrows we have in our lives), looking to Jesus who is the goal of our spiritual journeys, who also suffered greatly. He also says that He despised the shame. This is not supposed to be a verse that offers magic words to cause instant healing, but this healing is a lengthy process in order for us to move on in our lives. The painful scar may never go away this side of heaven, especially in something that God’s word already has testified as to ruining Tamar, but with Jesus Christ we can learn to press toward Jesus who can heal us.

In short, these victims will have to learn how to trust and love all over again. They will need to learn this by being loved by other people. This is what the local church is called to do (John 13:34-35) though often they may stumble. They need to see Jesus in the people. In Randall Arthur’s story Wisdom Hunter, a young girl named Daytona was raped by her father and driven into the streets to be a drug addict and prostitute. She also lost a baby, and was repeatedly abused by boyfriends and other people in her life. She had to come to major decisions after finding Jesus Christ. She had to learn how to trust Jason, her long-lost grandfather, who opened his heart to her. A substantial amount of healing must take place before she can trust him, but little by little, she sees Jason, a pastor, who cares for her, takes time with her, and shows her in practical ways that he wants to be her friend.

The church must become an open community that is willing to deal with issues such as domestic violence so that victims can come and seek asylum from God-fearing people. The church’s job is also to equip the saints (Ephesians 4:12), which is not impersonal teaching, but applicable teaching from the Bible irrupting into one’s life so that the healing of souls can begin.

Does God truly develop character through domestic violence? Is their contemporary evidence? The same Mary that I mentioned above was extremely wounded, but the worst part about her being physically raped was that she said her soul was raped (Miles 79). Again, she said though that she keeps away from her husband, she says, “I will never again feel safe” (Miles 81). That statement is a knife that twists into one’s stomach, and we see a window into her pain. Immediately thereafter, Miles states that Mary’s greatest loss has been her spirituality. She was married to an associate pastor, and no one did anything to confront his ungodly and evil lifestyle of violence (Psalm 11:5). He even still had his position in the church. On the other hand, a woman in a documentary, who was abused physically and sexually, spoke in her testimony in a video that she first blamed God for her circumstances. Later, however, she realized with great exclamation that God was there throughout all of the painful events she experienced, and allowed her to live and share her testimony of deliverance.

Hope for the Abused

Most of the women that are interviewed in Miles’ book were very broken people. One can tell this in the words of their testimonies. Who could ever expect them to be healed? But there is also promise for the people that were involved, in that they became a voice for the abused. Much of the development of their character is that they allowed their stories to be shared, with a certain extent of anonymity, that other people might be healed or even be saved. With their stories being told, a woman who would hear the stories could say to herself, “I am not the only one out there who suffers from violence.” If the church is filled with women like the ones mentioned, then by this women can hear other testimonies that they might step forth and be saved from their living conditions and harmful relationships. Other women can see that there is good reason to escape from their husbands to save their own life, and the lives of their children. We often see separation as an unforgivable sin, but even the Sabbath was broken in the Scriptures to save life (for example, Matthew 12:1-13). Secondly, the women who can share such a testimony can call for change in the local church. This is a problem that needs to be dealt with. This openness and honesty about the reality of domestic violence in America and in the local church will change also how we as church leaders can help these victims.

God allows certain things to happen. Innocent bystanders are not exempt from living in a fallen world. However, God does see people through things, even things as devastating as domestic violence can be, so they can accomplish His will. As sordid as the things are that we read about domestic violence, we are called into question of our actions as men, realizing our capability to do such evil, and as for women, that they have the right of an equal partnership in marriage and not to be abused. This is the character that God develops, the equipping of women to reenter their pain and retell the story, that millions, perhaps billions can be helped, including the pastor, the abuser, and the abused. If this is the case, then Tamar does not have to be forgotten.

References

Arthur, Randall (1991). Wisdom Hunter. Sisters, OR: Multnomah.

Irwin, D. and Simons, J. (1994). Lifespan Developmental Psychology. Madison, WI: Brown and Benchmark.

Kroeger, C. C. and Nason-Clark, N. (2001). No Place For Abuse: Biblical and Practical Resources to Counteract Domestic Violence. Downers Grove, IL: Intervarsity.

Miles, A. (2000). Domestic Violence: What Every Pastor Needs To Know. Minneapolis, MN: Augsburg Fortress.